I’ve stood elevated through battles. Friends have betrayed me. Boys have hurt me. My hero has fallen from grace. Every battle that has tried to chip away at my walls has only built them stronger and more powerful than before.
People say that strength is a noble quality. Weak people rarely get ahead. But after much self evaluation, I’m beginning to believe that my strength may actually be my greatest weakness.
I’ve built my walls so high, so unbelievably sturdy, that I haven’t bothered to let anyone in. My existence is merely functional. That’s no way to live. It’s a life disconnected from what matters, disconnected from what is real.
I read this article by Adam Phillips entitled Insatiable Creatures and felt like he was speaking directly to me:
"...our excessive behaviour shows us how obscure we are to ourselves or how we obscure ourselves; how our frustrations, odd as this may seem, are excessively difficult to locate, to formulate. Wherever and whenever we are excessive in our lives it is the sign of an as yet unknown deprivation. Our excesses are the best clue we have to our own poverty, and our best way of concealing it from ourselves."
So, today, I vow to let it in. Whatever it is, I want to feel it. No matter how scary, dirty or unfathomable the possible consequence, I will let my emotions lead rather than my desire for stability.
My constant need to guard my heart is in EXCESS.
And, an excess of anything can be detrimental to my everything...
I VOW TO LIVE.
