"Nad -- I'm gona say this with as much love as possible -- what the F*CK are you waiting for?! What are you scared of? " Markus said. We had just finished brunch and he (who is a chronic cheater and drank so much that he's currently sitting across from me struggling to stay awake) decided it was the appropriate time to analyze my singledom.
I laughed, but I knew he was serious. Markus knows (as I do) that I am not without options. I'm not one of those single girls who's desperate for some attention. Never have been. It's just... for me... I want what I want. And, when I decide I want something, I get tunnel vision until something shifts my interest.
So, it's not that I'm afraid. I'd even go as far as saying I'm ready. What I want just may not be ready for me yet. I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't frustrating. But I check in with myself daily, and I'm okay. I've dated for the wrong reasons before. I'm done with that.
I've said that I was waiting for my "prince charming," but that's probably not accurate. I'm not waiting for some unrealistic prototype of a man. I want the real thing. I want someone who sees the goodness in me and makes a real, honest effort to love that goodness. That's always the easy part. The trick, though, is finding the person who also sees the bad things... and loves me anyway.
I want my "anyway-love."
Truth is, I met someone... and I think he has all of the potential in the world to be my anyway-love. (Admitting that isn't easy... anyone who knows me knows that to be true lol.) It just seems like there are so many unnecessary barriers between us... on both sides... that getting there may not happen. That thought makes me so uhh.. sad. Yea, sad. My heart literally skips a beat and my hands get all jittery when I think of him. But I can't force it. So, when Markus asked what I was waiting for... yes, tons of answers ran through my head. But in reality, maybe I'm just waiting for one specific person who I already know.
Okay. I've written too much. Back to studying... *walks away*
